For immediate release
Jenny McCarthy to be next Patron of US National Academy of Sciences
Washington DC: At a crowded press conference today a spokesperson for the US National Academy of Sciences confirmed that its next patron would be noted actress, author and activist Jennifer McCarthy. Reading from a prepared statement the spokesperson explained that the role of patron is principally that of a ceremonial figurehead and is traditionally given to a figure from the entertainment industry whose public profile and connections would allow them to showcase the work of the Academy. The spokesperson continued:
"Ms McCarthy is Hollywood Royalty, and will attract the sort of attention that we could never hope to on our own. We look forward to strengthening our relationship with her, which began when she was awarded honorary Membership of the Academy under the special rules that allow us to admit selected showbusiness legends, though without voting rights."Responding to questions from reporters the spokesperson dismissed as 'malicious gossip' the suggestion that Ms McCarthy's record of statements claiming a link between vaccination and autism and sustained criticism of the scientific community might conflict with the Academy's stated aims, stating that "As I already said, the role is ceremonial, her views are her own, and anyone who thinks they disqualify her from playing a role in the Academy's mission is obviously nursing some kind of anti-showbusiness grudge." Asked to confirm that the appointment was for life the spokesperson reminded reporters that Ms McCarthy would only take up the post after the death of the current incumbent, Shirley MacLaine.
[The above press release is, of course, both fictitious and absurd. I wish the Royal Society (the UK Academy of Science) the best of luck when the time comes for them to issue an announcement that, while equally absurd, will sadly be all too real.]